Craigslist. On the surface it’s a normal website, similar to eBay, in which users can buy or sell various used items. However, after a little research I learned Craigslist is hardly a normal website, but rather a utopia for lonely weirdoes with large doll collections and grandmothers with uncomfortable amounts of beanie babies.
I went on Craigslist with a mission: to find three odd items priced $5 or less and learn the stories of why the owners were choosing to part ways with their items. Needless to say, it made for quite a few interesting encounters.
The first item I saw on Craigslist was one I immediately knew I needed to have. The description was “Free Clean Dirt in Salinas. You can take as much as you can carry.”
As I read that description one thought popped into my head. What in the world is clean dirt?
I scheduled a meeting with the best clean-dirt salesman this side of the Mississippi. As I pulled up in front of a shabby house in Salinas, I saw a man seated in a wicker chair.
He took one look at me, and before I could even say hello, he said, “The dirt’s in the back.”
I grabbed a small bucket out of the car and took my rations from the brown mound. The atmosphere that surrounded me as I scooped dirt was very reminiscent of a scene from Deliverance.
As I left the house I looked at the man from the deck and thanked him for my bucket of dirt. I made sure to comment on how clean it was—he appreciated that. Before I left I asked, “Why are you getting rid of this clean dirt, sir?”
He looked at me with the intensity of a rather intense badger—the man looked like a badger to begin with—and simply said, “It’s dirt. Why the hell would I want it?” Wise words.
The second item on my list took a few days to finally come across, but it was worth it when I found it.
The description, accompanied by a picture of an obese critter the floppiest ears I had ever seen, read, “Free rabbit to good home.”
When I arrived at the house in East Seaside, I approached the door and knocked twice. I almost knocked in a rhythm, but that should only be used for close friends, dear.
The woman who answered reminded me of someone that would work at a gas station—the one that gets weirdly annoyed when you ask for the bathroom key?
I told her I was there to “see the rabbit.” She left the room and was back momentarily, rabbit hopping at her heels. When I asked why she was getting rid of the little guy, her answer surprised me.
“Well, he’s abusive.”
We both stood there in silence for a few moments, I was waiting for her to elaborate, but she just stood there slurping on something that sounded like yogurt.
With that I turned and headed for the door.
The final item on my list came to me from NorthMontereyCounty. The post caught my eye due to the excessive use of capital letters reading, “FREE SEAWEED SNACKS. MY GRANDMA GAVE THEM TO ME, BUT I DONT WANT THEM.”
I called the man, and I was informed that in fact all the snacks were expired and I shouldn’t waste my time. Thus my search was over.
If I learned anything from Craigslist, it is that you can never trust anything you see on the Internet, because if you do you will find yourself waist deep in dirty dirt while a rabbit slaps you silly.