Published Jan. 30, 2023
By BRIANNA SCIUTO and MINNA TROKEL
That romantic time of year is just around the corner, and as everyone knows, the quality of your relationship depends on the quality of your Valentine’s Day gift. It is a high-stakes holiday, but love is in the air! We just want to keep it there, instead of six feet under.
Here’s some of our advice on the do’s and don’ts of your typical Valentine’s Day gifts:
Although you could just be using this gift to make up for your lack of physical affection towards your partner, it’s pretty sweet. A quick warning: They will bond more with that teddy bear than with you.
If you spent more than 30 minutes on a heartfelt, handmade card, you scare us. We don’t know if your card should be framed and worshiped or if we should file a restraining order. Sorry, we associate your poetic romance with unhealthy obsession. Creep or not, kudos to you for being a dedicated romantic.
Flowers are a classic (real flowers–your valentine doesn’t live in a retirement home), but they are only worth consideration if they smell good and last beyond the time it takes for your valentine to question their romantic commitments. Next time get more creative. Maybe try a cactus. Who knows?
Just own up to the fact that you forgot about Valentine’s Day (and romance in general), instead of giving your partner pre-broken promises of breakfast in bed in the form of a sad piece of paper they will lose in five minutes. The only reaction this gift will get you is a forced smile.
You can whine as much as you want, but we have no sympathy for the romantically deprived leeches who just run to Safeway and scour the card aisle for whatever they can find. While the graphics can be cute, writing “love you babe” just doesn’t hold the emotional weight you think it does.
This is the perfect present to stuff your face with after you get dumped for how lame and cliche you are. You should be concerned about how these gift boxes look nicer than your relationship will ever be. But then again, it’s already clear that you believe it’s what’s on the outside that counts because those chocolates will never get eaten regardless.
Don’t expect to be spending next Valentine’s Day with your partner if you don’t stop right now and take a long, hard look at the embarrassing insincerity of your gifts. Put that magnetic heart necklace back where it belongs: on the elementary school playground.