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How to dodge a few arrows this Valentine’s Day

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Do insist on finding company. Find your other tear-stained, heartbreakingly single friends wearing chocolate-covered shirts, and get together for a small pity party in the cold, lonely basement of someone’s house. Make sure you rent an action movie that is so blindly violent and filled with flames of explosion and bloody gore that you have no choice but to forget about Valentine’s Day! Quentin Tarantino, anyone?

Don’t buy yourself flowers. As nice as they smell when you first buy them, they will wither and die just like your love life on Valentine’s Day, and they will leave you feeling worse than you did when you bought them for yourself. Instead, you should put yourself out there! Rouge your face up with that red lipstick and hit the streets. You too, boys.

Do make sure that you focus on the positive things in your life. Examples include your cat that loves you, the chocolate sitting in your extremely bloated stomach that was ridiculously good, and possibly even the bright future you have with online dating. There are many wonderful things to look forward to in Single People Land.

Don’t find yourself third-wheeling. Not only will this make you feel extra lonely, but whilst you are slowly edged out of the room, you will start to realize that the only thing left to do in this town on a Thursday night on Valentine’s Day is go see a romcom by yourself.

Do avoid Valentine’s Day altogether. If there is a way you can manage to sustain a restless and romantically void sleep throughout the entire day or play a zombie-slaying, apocalyptic-themed Xbox game from the 13th to the 15th, then do it. Nothing will make Valentine’s Day more manageable than skipping the day completely.

Don’t get into a steady relationship on Valentine’s Day. We recommend this because although it is  incredibly romantic, if  you do not end up spending the rest of your life with that person, then the day will be forever tainted by the unfortunate reminder of that “crazy ex” or “the one that got away,” leaving you with at least a decade or so of uncomfortable regrets and memories.


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