As someone with few friends and even fewer social engagements, I find myself accompanied by more ridiculous B movies and sugar than human company on the average Halloween. Sad? Maybe. But the hours I have devoted to candy-tasting have certainly given me a more sophisticated confectionary palate than people who actually have a life (small trade-off). The following are tried and (sometimes) true candies, selected by yours truly:
Bat Dots – Honestly, what is not to love about these babes? Well, I am a bit disenchanted by their regular cousins’ ability to not only taste like absolutely nothing, but their oh-so-irritating way of sticking around longer than any significant other I’ve ever had. But Bat Dots? Sweet Jesus. They are both DELISH and they’re hella goth. I mean, what is cooler than eating black candy and watching Suspiria? Absolutely nothing. 9/10, only because they are just as sticky as their multicolored contemporaries.
Twizzlers – I know that I’m going to rain on, like, 85 people’s parades right now. But Twizzlers are horrible. They are actually totally irredeemable in my eyes and just a sad excuse for red licorice, which is a sad excuse for black (REAL) licorice, which is a sad excuse for just eating some anise. 2/10, only because a morning of regret is better than a night of loneliness (anyone notice the sick paradox I just used? You’re welcome).
Jack O’ Lantern Peeps – I’d love to be one of those contrarians that hates Peeps and has never seen Bring it On: In It to Win It, but truthfully I LOVE Bring it On and will totally eat Peeps until my teeth fall out. I was skeptical of this whole “multi-season Peeps” movement until last Halloween, when I realized that having Peeps year-round is a Halloween miracle. Pro tip: if you want to prolong your Peeps experience, put one in the microwave for like 3 seconds, or until it’s puffy because their volume increases BUT THEIR MASS SEEMS TO STAY THE SAME. I KNOW! It’s physically impossible! But I’m happy with living this lie. 10/10
Those weird vanilla Tootsie Rolls – Don’t even try to put these in your body. I am 98 percent sure that they aren’t even edible and were intended for use as cheap candle wax. 0/10
Three Musketeers – The fastest way to get me to leave a room is to bring out the 3 Musketeers. Actually, I vaguely remember this extremely badly animated 3 Musketeers commercial from my childhood? It was terrifying. Truly. I was also living in Florida at the time, so the grossness of everything was magnified roughly eight times over. I blame Florida for my aversion to 3 Musketeers. 4/10 because at least they’re chocolate.
Milky Ways – Ooooh baby. Milky Way (and her sassy cousin, Milky Way Midnight) has been with me since I knew how to eat candy. Something about her fluffiness, contrasted with the cavity-inducing sweetness of her caramel, is so dang wonderful. My only complaint is that her texture is suspiciously like that of those rascally 3 Musketeers, which we all know are horrid. 9/10 (P.S.–try her frozen. It’s like eating a solid milkshake. Seriously.)