We all can appreciate the great movies of the world; however, few of us are seasoned in the beautifully bad movies of the world.
And as a crappy cinema connoisseur, I have the essentials to guide you in a new quest of movie marvel, starting with this list of the worst movies I’ve encountered, noted in descending order in order to assimilate you correctly to the world of awful films.
If you had my experience, you look at the cast list, you see Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez and think, “Huh, why have I not heard of this movie until now?” Ohhh, you’re soon to find out. This absolutely horrendous movie focuses on a supposed lesbian J.Lo, who actually sleeps with men, and hit-man Affleck, and it’s just… bad. So bad. Baad. Gaad. Goad. Good. It’s good.
7. Jaws: The Revenge
A classic cheesy “horror” movie, Jaws: The Revenge is perfect for the lovers of horrendous supposedly scary movies. With several continuity errors, a shoddy script and a shark that’s less realistic than those gummy sharks you get at candy stores, Jaws: The Revenge is ghastly. And technically, it’s the fourth remake of the original Jaws. But hey, there’s a shark eating a plane, so it must be good. Right? Right.
6. The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra
I have seen many movies that were meant to be bad and weren’t funny at all, but this one is an exception. Seeking to satirize sci-fi movies of the ’50s, this movie is absolutely hilarious, following a couple who stays in the woods to conduct archaeological research. Aliens, a woman created by the junction of a deer, a cat and a mouse, and a mutant made out of cardboard boxes. What more could you want from a film?
5. Grease 2
This crap-tastic classic does not hold water when it comes to its predecessor. In fact, it drowns. And flails. And fails. Gloriously. A gender-swapped version of the original and a failed attempt at a second rendition, Grease 2 is the perfect film to watch with your friends when you’re having that I-just-want-to-be-exposed-to-so-much-cheesiness-that-my-face-automatically-hits-itself-against-my-palm-multiple-times feeling.
Nothing like its sequel (see number 2), Troll focuses on the lives of Harry Potter—a completely coincidental name, I assure you—and his son Harry Potter Jr., who move into a new building with some strange new characters. When a magical forest starts to consume the apartments, turning the residents into adorable, singing trolls, Harry Potter Jr. must work with a witch living in the building to defeat them. Strange, yet still funny, you’ll be surprised to see Sonny Bono making an appearance, as well as Julia Louis-Dreyfus (Elaine from Seinfeld), and you’ll wonder how they got in this film.
3. Pumpkinhead 2: Blood Wings
When a girl from New York moves to a rural city with her family, she finds herself caught up with the “cool kids,” who decide that it would be a really great idea to, oh, you know, summon the spirits of a dead monster named Pumpkinhead to wreak havoc on their small town. Not only is the Pumpkinhead monster terribly unrealistic, but this movie is jam-packed with generic “cool” kids, drinking overtly-labeled bottles of beer and cutting class to summon dead monsters and run over old women crossing the road. A true classic.
2. Troll 2
With an obviously low budget, Troll 2 was written by the wife of an Italian filmmaker, who wanted to mock the lives of her vegetarian friends. The best part of Troll 2, however, is that there is not one troll in it. In fact, it focuses on a family that finds itself caught up with vegetarian goblins living in the rural town of Nilbog. One of the characters is played by a clinically insane man who has no recollection of the filming, and nearly all of the characters have no prior acting experience. It’s beautiful, truly.
1. The Room
This film takes the cake when it comes to awful movies that still manage to entertain. Look at almost any ranking of the worst movies ever created, and I assure you this will be on there. Written and directed by Tommy Wiseau, who is also the movie’s star, The Room focuses on Johnny, who is tossed aside by his devious “future wife” for his best friend Mark. Filled with hilarious quasi-confrontational moments, impressively bizarre dialogue and completely ridiculous characters, it’s packed full of laughs. But be careful, kids, it’s rated “R” for some entirely scarring sex scenes at the beginning of the movie.