Published March 18, 2021
By Martin Sevcik
I’ve recently learned that some people have never tried Pop-Tarts. Rather than belittle these uncultured brutes, I’m going to offer some advice about how to get your life back on track. These are a Pop-Tart Connoisseur’s opinions on some common flavors.
The vending machine at the school used to sell whole wheat versions of this signature flavor. I would microwave them in Mr. Silva’s microwave. He would mock me. I would try (and fail) to rebuff his verbal attacks. Then I would eat my soggy Pop-Tart at my desk while my friend Xander made fun of me for eating a soggy Pop-Tart. My life was sadder back then, I think. Strawberry Pop-Tarts are pretty solid, though, no matter what Xander says.
8 / 10
These taste like knock-off versions of strawberry Pop-Tarts. Where the strawberry filling is perfectly sweet, the cherry flavoring has a tangy aftertaste that undermines its overall quality. Strawberry is Batman, Coca-Cola and Edward Cullen; cherry is Robin, Diet Coke and Jacob Black. Be #teamEdward, not #teamJacob. Obviously.
5 / 10
These taste like Fig Newtons.
1 / 10
The last time I visited New Jersey, I visited a Dunkin’ Donuts. Well, that’s what my friends called it. It was actually a stack of tires where a young man in a straight jacket — who called himself Mr. Dunkin — sold snacks. He offered me some possibly stolen blueberry Pop-Tarts for 75 cents each. When I told him that these are slightly worse than the strawberry Pop-Tarts, but significantly better than the cherry ones, he told me I was crazy. But the joke is on him: I walked away paying half price for my Pop-Tarts. Could a crazy person make a deal like that? Could he? Huh? Could he? Huh? Could he? Huh? Could he? Huh? Could he? Huh?
7 / 10
Cookies and Cream
In darkness, there is light. In light, there is darkness. This is the concept behind Yin and Yang, an ancient Chinese philosophy that my uncle told me about at my birthday party. It seems pretty cool, though he was using it to justify his most recent bank robbery. Then again, his generous birthday gift has funded every snack I’ve purchased in the last year. Without Uncle Bobby the Bank Robber, there would be no Connoisseur. In darkness, there is light.
This Pop-Tart flavor is similar. Most of this glorified cookie is terrible, but the light-colored frosting is very good. In darkness, there is light, but not enough light to justify a purchase. Save your money for Uncle Bobby’s bail instead.
3 / 10
This flavor is one close to my heart. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is perhaps the best cereal General Mills has to offer. The perfect crunch, the iconic shape and the cinnamon residue left in the milk all contribute to this cereal’s perfect score.
[Editor’s note] It looks like there has been some miscommunication about this review. Unfortunately, the Connoisseur has gone rogue. Don’t worry, he does this from time to time; he always comes back when we threaten to eat Flamin’ Hot Cheetos without him. Until then, here’s a randomly generated score:
4 / 10
These Pop-Tarts are perfect. Their marshmallow and chocolate filling is divine when sampled straight from the toaster. If I could give them a score higher than 10/10, I would. You know what… I think I will. Screw the editors. What has Palshaw ever done for me? I’m gonna score these however I want! My reviews are more important than anything they’ll ever publish. In fact, my reviews have single-handedly saved this dying paper! It’s time I demonstrated my authority.
10.1 / 10
[Editor’s note] Martin “the Connoisseur” Sevcik has been removed from the Sandpiper staff. He will no longer be writing snack reviews on behalf of our very alive and credible paper.