HomeCampusA comprehensive review of CHS water fountains

A comprehensive review of CHS water fountains

BY ANDREW WANG

Throughout the Sandpiper’s rich 69-year-old history, nobody has thought to write a comprehensive evaluation of the water fountains on campus. But just like Marvel when they released “Endgame,” I’m here to give the people what they want. I’ve rated all 10 water fountains on campus based on pressure, taste and temperature on a scale from 1 to 10 so that you, dear reader, learn which fountains will guarantee you happiness.

1. Theater interior

The theater boasts a water fountain with a passable temperature but a strange, undesirable and slightly tangy taste. The fountain’s pressure is so low that drinking from it without touching the fountain itself should be considered an Olympic sport.

Pressure: 1

Taste: 3

Temperature: 6.5

Averaged Score: 3.5

pH: 7.4

2. Upper bathroom

The water from this fountain tastes like pure sadness with a metallic aftertaste. The water also gets obscenely hot on warm days, and you’re left wondering if you’ve dehydrated yourself even more.

Pressure: 4

Taste: 3

Temperature: 3.5

Averaged Score: 3.5

pH: 7.6

3. Front of office

Situated between the DoorDash table and the office door rests a poor little water fountain. The pressure, although not quite falling to a trickle, is disappointing to say the least, and the taste falls far below average.

Pressure: 3.5

Taste: 3.5

Temperature: 7

Averaged Score: 4.67

pH: 7.4

4. Outside music room

This fountain suffers from the issue where if you press both buttons on the fountain, the water pressure is greatly lowered. I will hereby refer to this condition as “bad button syndrome.”

Pressure: 4

Taste: 6

Temperature: 6.5

Averaged Score: 5.5

pH: 7.3

5. Pool fountain

Before conducting my water fountain scavenger hunt, I was not aware of the existence of this fountain. Upon drinking from it for the first time, I came to the conclusion that it is intensely average. It’s not awful, but nothing is interesting about it, kind of like Imagine Dragons. Enjoy the mediocrity!

Pressure: 6

Taste: 6.5

Temperature: 6

Averaged Score: 6.17

pH: 7.5

6. Cafeteria fountain

Now we’re getting to the good stuff. The cafeteria fountain performs well in all categories, although bad button syndrome kicks in if you try to drink from the fountain while refilling your Hydroflask.

Pressure: 7

Taste: 7

Temperature: 7.5

Averaged Score: 7.17

pH: 7.3

7. Weight room fountain

Drinking from this fountain is usually a good experience. But if you talk to anyone who has spent time with this fountain, they’ll tell you about its bipolar temperature. One moment you’re drinking cool, refreshing dihydrogen monoxide and the next you’re wondering if you’ve discovered liquid desert.

Pressure: 8.5

Taste: 8

Temperature: 6

Averaged Score: 7.5

pH: 7.3

8. Boys’ indoor gym fountain

Like the weight room fountain, this fountain is a testament to the power of Elkay water dispensers. Although this fountain also suffers from bad button syndrome, you can always count on an enjoyable hydration experience. Praise our supreme Elkay overlords.

Pressure: 7.5

Taste: 8

Temperature: 9

Averaged Score: 8.17

pH: 7.4

9. Girls’ indoor gym fountain

This fountain is exactly like the one on the boys’ side, but the pressure here is noticeably lower. How peculiar.

Pressure: 7

Taste: 8

Temperature: 9

Averaged Score: 8

pH: 7.4

10. Fountain across from the boys’ locker room.

This is the magnum opus of CHS water fountains. Although technically the same machine as other fountains, nitpicking is inevitable when you’re literally rating water fountains. It boasts a lower pH than the indoor gym fountains, so it’s closer to pure water. For the best water experience at CHS, use this fountain. Or don’t, if you don’t want to.

Pressure: 7.5

Taste: 8

Temperature: 9

Averaged Score: 8.17

pH: 7.1

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