Published May 21, 2021
By NITRAM KICVES
Hello all, my name is Nitram Kicves, and I specialize in reviewing junk food. Today, I want to tell you about one of the most delicious, yet overlooked snacks that is available in grocery stores across the country: Fancy Feast cat food. Let’s begin!
SHHHHH! Don’t tell them I’m here! You may have thought that this was Nitram Kicves’ review. You have been fooled! It is I — Martin “The Connoisseur” Sevcik! I recently discovered that newspaper editors can not read italics, so I finally have a safe way to reveal my true identity. Unfortunately, if everything goes according to plan, this will be the last time you hear from me.
Since I was fired in April, I’ve been posing as this “specialist” while devising how to enact my revenge. I think I’ve finally hatched a plan: I am going to get this paper sued. How, you may ask? Well, I’m going to tell people to eat cat food. Genius, I know, but please save your compliments for the signing table after the show. Regardless, if people are as stupid as I think they are (no offense, Sandpiper readers), then they will go out and try these delicious morsels based on my authority alone. Then the paper gets sued by these disgruntled readers and goes under. I laugh maniacally over its corpse, everyone applauds, the credits roll, and I cash my check.
You may think that revealing my plan like this might be stupid, but if someone is the type to eat cat food, I doubt anything I say now would stop them. Anyways, let’s get back to “Nitram” and his review.
Cats love chicken. I think if I were a cat, I would give this product an instant 10. Unfortunately, I was born a man, so I will never know how our fuzzy compatriots truly feel. This is a deeply disappointing axiom that I have only just begun to ruminate.
What I can tell you is whether a human would enjoy these snacks — I have a degree in Culinary Arts, after all. This flavor is just all right; where the other varieties experiment with bolder, more nuanced flavor profiles, the chicken flavor just tries to emulate the poultry classic. While the chicken is about as real as my degree, it still tastes pretty accurate to its source material.
5 / 10
Chicken in Gravy
This tastes the same as the standard chicken meal. I’m dead serious: I tried them both, and there was zero difference. I wasn’t sure at first, so I went back and tried the regular chicken flavor. But then I still wasn’t sure, so I tried the version with gravy again. After another hour of this back-and-forth, I was crammed into an ambulance and driven to the hospital for overdosing on cat food.
It was an educational experience. I learned that so-called health professionals don’t want me eating cat food — that shows you how little they know. I also learned that all it takes to escape a hospital undetected is $500 and a shoutout. This one’s for you, Jessie Samuels.
5 / 10
Now we’re getting to the real food! Seafood is where Fancy Feast shines. In fact, these guys actually started out as a seafood company, right here in Monterey Bay! If that sounds unbelievable, it’s because you have no imagination. Do some research — you’ll see I’m right.
These humble origins are why their trout meals are so dang good. They pack so much fresh, wild-caught trout into these meals that you think you’re on the set of “Finding Nemo.” Notice how I didn’t reference “Finding Dory”; this is because the latter film has fewer fish (trust me, I counted). We’re all about factual accuracy here at The Sandpiper.
9 / 10
My father was a fisherman, you know — I fib a lot in these reviews, but this is the truth, on God, no cap, swear on my momma’s grave. He tells me stories about how he would spend days at sea during peak salmon season, making potentially $1,000 an hour on a good day. But those good days were never a guarantee. Sometimes, you would get into a profitable spot and there simply would not be any fish, but the moment you left, a horde of salmon would rush on through. Your only job was to make sure the good days outweighed the bad.
This is a metaphor for the life of a food reviewer. How is it a metaphor? It wouldn’t be any fun if I told you, now would it?
7 / 10
Salmon and Shrimp
Half of this flavor is pretty good. But the shrimp — ohhhhhhhhhh man why did they have to add the shrimp? Shrimp is a bipolar food since it sometimes tastes excellent and sometimes tastes like pond water mixed with WD-40. This stuff is rancid. DO NOT BUY IT. Buy every other flavor on this list instead. And make sure you try it. Actually try it. Don’t be that one kid in fourth grade who lied about kissing a girl from another school over summer break. Actually try it. What’s the worst that could happen? And if it goes badly, just sue us!
I’m legally obligated to tell you that was a joke.
2 / 10
When I say seafood is where Fancy Feast shines, I wasn’t kidding. This seafood feast is immaculate — truly the Philadelphia of cat foods. You have to try this delicious morsel before you die. And then you should sue The Sandpiper.
10 / 10
[Editor’s note: We should have never trusted that new reviewer! I have several lawsuits on my desk from readers who went out and ate cat food because he recommended it — the paper is doomed! I fired him today, but he asked that we publish one final letter to his fans before his departure. I guess I’ll put it here; what more harm could it do?]
Dear Sandpiper staff and readers,
The deed has been done. The paper is going under. I am finally free. I stand by everything I have done (yes, even the Flavor Blasted Xtra Cheddar Goldfish review — y’all are wrong). Thank you for all the support throughout this series.
- The Connoisseur