Published Feb. 09, 2021
By Martin Sevcik
Need I introduce myself? This is a basically a monthly feature at this point. Here’s my schtick: I’m a connoisseur of junk foods. I’m reviewing them here so you know what’s worth purchasing. Let’s get on with it already.
In order to liven up this review, my editor recommended implementing some haikus. Let’s try this out:
Cheddar cheese Cheetos.
They have high cholesterol.
But they’re pretty good.
Let’s try another:
Remind me of youth,
Better, simpler, honest days.
7 / 10.
Do y’all remember “Total Drama Island”? It was a Cartoon Network show that focused on a group of teenagers taking part in a terrible reality TV show. In Season 2 of the show, a character named Lindsey eats a jalapeno. Here’s the problem: She pronounces “jalapeno” like “jaw-lop-en-o.” Now imagine that an impressionable youth not terribly familiar with spicy peppers watches this show. They might hear Lindsey mispronounce jalapeno and then genuinely believe that’s how you pronounce the unfamiliar word. That would be absolutely terrible.
Anyways, I don’t really like the flavor of jalapenos all that much due to an embarrassing incident from my youth. As such, I don’t really like the synthetic-tasting jalapeno flavoring they lather onto these Cheetos. Maybe someone without jalapeno-flavored emotional baggage would enjoy these more.
4 / 10
My friend and fellow Sandpiper reporter Andrew Wang told me that these are a bad flavor of Cheetos. We at The Sandpiper are lucky that I write these reviews, since Andrew’s inaccurate opinions could have landed us in some hot water!
Here’s your legal advice for the day: Publishing a false statement that damages a person’s reputation is a little crime called libel. Since Andrew’s statement is objectively wrong, publishing that statement in a paper as well-known as The Sandpiper would unjustly damage the reputation of Pepsi-Co (corporations are people, as we all know).
Of course, if that statement about Andrew was a fabrication, then I could be the one in trouble. But Andrew drowns puppies on a daily basis, so there’s not much of a reputation to damage.
8 / 10
Flamin’ Hot Puffs
I ate several of these asbestos-flavored puffs before I went to bed one night. I had trouble sleeping. My blood felt heavier. My lungs ached. My heart palpitated. I felt so terrible that I got a COVID-19 test the day after, just to make sure. But it wasn’t COVID — it was those Flamin’ Hot Puffs.
These reviews are usually rather hyperbolic, but I’m not kidding when I tell you I put my life at risk for this review. I hope you appreciate it.
1 / 10
XXTRA Flamin’ Hot
These are all right. They have some good qualities, like their delicious aftertaste and their solid crunch. They also have some bad qualities. Some really bad qualities.
You see, only real men can handle XXTRA Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. That’s what my father used to tell me, at least. He told me I wouldn’t be able to handle them. His words of discouragement have haunted me my entire life. I was mocked in middle school for my aversion to this snack. My first relationship ended because I refused to eat these spicy Cheetos. My father held this failure over my head until his last day.
But other than that, they’re just all right. I’m not that big of a fan, personally.
5 / 10
Flamin’ Hot Limon
I’m really glad these exist. Before Pepsi-Co introduced these Cheetos, I had to buy my own limes and squeeze the juice on myself if I wanted to ruin a perfectly good batch of Cheetos. But now I can just go to the store and buy a pre-ruined bag! The efficiency of our capitalist system is incredible.
3 / 10
There wasn’t very much junk food in my home. My mother wanted me to grow up a healthy, strong boy. I wound up writing junk food reviews for a small-time paper. She must be rolling in her grave.
The point is that my love of gluttony began on the school playground. Every lunchtime, there was a swap meet in the central cafeteria. I would trade most of my modest lunch away for Pringles crumbs and milligrams of Oreo cream. One of these elusive treasures was Flamin’ Hot Crunchy Cheetos.
I have so much to say about these delicacies. They are perfectly spicy, never being so overwhelming to be uncomfortable. Their satisfying crunch is unparalleled in the snacking world. The divine residue left on your fingers is one of the greatest proofs for intelligent design. Perhaps their scarcity in my childhood has tainted my view, but I think this is one of the best snack foods ever created.
10 / 10