Animals. They can be furry and cuddly or slimy and cold—like my grandmother—but the fact remains all these critters have something in common: they’re pretty amazing.
After doing a little research it becomes clear that animals have more to offer society than a philanthropic, quadrilingual biochemist on steroids.
Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves for a story that will knock the mane off your head and the poison quill off your platypus body. This is the whacky animal kingdom.
In 2005, a 12-year-old girl was abducted by seven men, but before any severe harm was done, three lions came to the rescue. Yes, you read that correctly. According to Fox News, three lions protected the young girl for nearly 12 hours, and when authorities arrived at the scene, the lions simply went back into the forest.
Looks like these lions didn’t have a problem finding their courage…. Get it? That’s a Wizard of Oz joke, people.
This reminds me of a situation in which my brother was physically abusing me, and I was saved by our house cat Sally. Well, I mean she casually walked by, and he happened to stop at that moment—sheer coincidence really.
Don’t get me wrong, I love heroic felines as much as the next guy; however, I read about a certain left-handed critter from up north that caught my attention.
I was enlightened when I learned that the mighty polar bear is a left-handed species. Meaning, you guessed it, each and every polar bear is left-handed, or left-pawed for you nitpickers out there.
This must be a major inconvenience for the polar bear whenever it attends right-handed arm-wrestling competitions, a situation no lefty wants to find himself in. I strongly doubt those types of competitions occur in the animal kingdom, so the polar bear is safe for now, or at least until BP has its next big mishap.
Polar bears may rule the North Pole, but they most certainly do not rule the barnyard. We all know that honor belongs to the bear’s cousin: the pig.
We all know that pigs can befriend spiders and yell “Weee” in Geico commercials, but did you know that it is physically impossible for a pig to look straight up?
So basically pigs have a hard time getting up. I can see it now, late-night commercials of pigs lifting heavy objects and playing football with the boys all before walking home and joining their special someone in a bath that is conveniently placed out in the back yard.
Although erectile dysfunction is just as American as apple pie and Chevrolet, all three fall short of the sheer American-ness of the turkey vulture. I mean, think about it: Turkey is the staple food of the most American holidays, so enough said.
Turkey vultures also have a very American attitude when it comes to feeding time. It is a rather common occurrence for a gluttonous turkey vulture to indulge in a meal to such an extent that the vulture will be too heavy to fly after it stops eating. If you really think about it, what is more American than eating so much you hate yourself? If I’m not mistaken, we have a holiday in November dedicated to just that.
Turkey vultures certainly eat their fill on a regular basis, while the common snail takes a more Beverly Hills approach with its eating habits. The slow and steady snail has the ability to go three years without eating! It is able to accomplish this task by simply putting itself into a sleepy state while it goes through the motions of life. Kind of like most substitute teachers.
Another odd animal eating behavior is displayed by the shaggy, nocturnal sloth bear, which feeds itself by sucking ants through the gap in its teeth. That’s where it starts, kids. First you’re sucking ants through your teeth and next thing you know you’re breaking sack records, winning Super Bowls and finding yourself promoting Subway sandwiches. Take that, Michael Strahan.
But in all seriousness, being a sloth bear dentist must be a very lucrative business.
Speaking of weird animal mouth problems, the crocodile, often referred to as the most fearsome river reptile, is unable to stick its tongue out of its mouth. This not only upsets all the female crocodiles, but also causes a good deal of stress for those young crocodiles looking for a good comeback for “You’re stupid.”
Well, I hope you learned a few new facts about our friends of the wild. Who knows, these facts might save your life someday. You know, if you ever cross paths with a troll or a sphinx, and they ask you a riddle that involves left-handed animals or something. Who knows? It’s a wacky world out there.
-BARRETT BROTHERS
Skyler / April 8, 2020
This made my day, omg thank you
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