Now that cliques are officially déclassé, what will fill the power vacuum? Now, you can determine your self-worth through Buzzfeed identity politics via these six easy questions. Without any further ado, it’s time to discover your aesthetic.
1. Your favorite drink is …
Homebrewed blackberry kombucha (with ginseng & honey, of course)
A protein shake infused with “C4” and actual nails
Coffee, black. No, not a Pumpkin Spice Latte. Not anymore.
Emergen-C, supplemented by 1000mg raw vitamin C
Fiji Natural Artesian Water, 1 liter / 33.184 fl oz. in a highball glass. If unavailable, Evian is fine.
2. On the average school day, you can be found…
Scouring campus for the perfect loam for your sustainable compost bin
Trying to play Childish Gambino through the AUX cable in your lifted pickup
Wistfully throwing bread crumbs at pigeons
In the nurse’s office, stealing Ibuprofen and hand sanitizer
Refreshing the Common App webpage and taking Myer-Briggs tests
3. Your signature outfit features…
A beanie knit from Peruvian alpaca wool and imported from a war-ravaged junta
A P.E. shirt, only with the sleeves torn off
A red plaid hunting hat (but not the phony kind)
Goggles, a surgical mask, and an air-tight white suit.
Raf Simons, Rick Owens, usually what I’m dressed in
4. You love to read…
Rachel Carson and Eat, Pray, Love
The facts and nutrition label on that protein powder you bought at GNC
A serious author, like Nicholas Sparks. John Green is passé.
Infowars.com
Ayn Rand and back-issues of The Economist
5. Your senior quote is taken from…
J.R.R. Tolkien …. the “not all who wander are lost” one
“Rocky IV” (the one with the Russian on steroids).
F. Scott Fitzgerald
A CDC press release
Wayne Gretzky
6. Your favorite character from “Scooby Doo” is…
Shaggy (Zoinks!)
Fred (Let’s split up, gang…)
Scooby Doo (Ruh-roh!)
Velma (Jinkies!)
Daphne (Does Daphne have a catchphrase?)
If you mostly answered A, you are Insufferably Healthy and Probably Vegan
If you mostly answered B, you are 100% Swole
If you mostly answered C, you are Not Like Other Boys / Girls, et al.
If you mostly answered D, you are Way Too Afraid of Ebola
If you mostly answered E, you are Definitely a Yuppie
-Christopher Good
