Ahhh, Feb. 14th, the most romantic 24 hours of a teenager’s life. Yet while some lucky casanovas spend Valentine’s Day awash in a quixotic glow of affection and boxed chocolates, not everyone is so fortunate. Will you find true love this Saturday, or are you doomed to another six weeks of winter? Answer the following questions to find out.
1. Last year, you spent Valentine’s Day…
a. drawing hearts in your Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper
b. cradling your cocker spaniel in your arms
c. shooting hoops at the Monterey Sports Center
d. taking a sledgehammer to your grandma’s ceramic cookie jar
e. cooking dinner for your cocker spaniel
2. Your mom thinks that you are…
a. really swell
b. a total cutie pie
c. the most adorable darling
d. her pride and joy
e. the sweetest kid ever
3. Your date thinks…
a. you need to stop having your mom drive you around
b. it’s a little overbearing when she sits with you guys during dinner
c. seriously, you’re almost an adult
d. it’s a little childish
e. we’re over
4. You believe astrological signs are…
a. the perfect opportunity for you to tell everyone about the superior logic of the scientific method
b. the sole prerequisite for romantic compatibility
c. probably just made up by some anonymous staff writer over at The Sandpiper
d. not quite as prophetic as Paul the Octopus, who predicted 11 out of 13 World Cup games correctly in 2010
e. a little bourgeois, just like vaccinations
5. Valentine’s Day itself is probably…
a. the day before all the candy goes on sale at the Save Mart
b. an Illuminati conspiracy
c. a corporate ploy to separate consumers from their hard-earned dollars
d. the perfect opportunity to demonstrate your paper-mâché prowess
e. an Anglican liturgical ceremony held in honor of Saint Valentine
6. The sweetest Valentine you’ve ever received came from…
a. that kid from your third grade class who was required to have enough “Star Wars” origami cards for
everyone
b. your dentist
c. a secret admirer who somehow found your locker
d. the Carmel Middle School ASB
e. Tiffany & Co., who emailed you to tell you that all jewelry is currently on sale
7. Your dream date would take place…
a. in the CHS cafeteria
b. on the surface of a hypercube tesseract within a fourth dimensional dirac sea
c. inside a gondola on a Swiss ski slope
d. at the Bagel Bakery—that way, you can show off your skate tricks beforehand
e. as far away as possible from the former “Power Rangers” actor who just stabbed his roommate
8. Your ideal partner is
a. Richard Dawkins’ twitter account
b. that special someone sitting three desks ahead of you in Silva’s class
c. Jerry Seinfeld in a “Bee Movie” costume
d. standing you up—they were supposed to meet you here a half hour ago
e. actually a reptilian humanoid disguised as Jerry Seinfeld
If you mostly answered A, you are Too late! It’s already February 15th! Better luck next year!
If you mostly answered B, you are Fated to a lifetime of loneliness
If you mostly answered C, you are Loved by those around you
If you mostly answered D, you are Stuck to relive Valentine’s Day every single year—like Bill Murray in “Groundhog Day,” only once every 364 days
If you mostly answered E, you are Disillusioned with The Sandpiper’s faulty clairvoyance
-Christopher Good
