Folks, it’s that time of year again.
The time of year that people seem to interpret as fair game to get fat, which is obviously the worst thing a person can be. Well, ladies (because clearly men aren’t subject to body shaming, nor are they privy to thousands of “ideal” male body images on the daily! What a silly idea!), you are WRONG.
It’s time for you to take a deep breath. Realize that you need to make your New Year’s resolution early this year. Realize that just because it’s the holiday season doesn’t mean that you can stop feeling bad about your body.
Luckily, you have me here to help you. Just follow these simple demands, and you’ll be skinnier—and by default more beautiful—than a sugar-free candy cane.
Step 1: Is it edible?
We all know that one of our most basic human impulses is to eat so that we don’t, you know, die. But hel-lo, that healthy and balanced diet those science people are always yammering about is chock-full of calories, dyes and GMOs. Probably.
Instead, treat yourself to a nice copy of the “Sports Illustrated” swimsuit issue, just to remind yourself that you’ll never be as hot as a computer-modified model! Happy Holidays.
Step 2: The idea of food can still be fun!
Just because you can’t eat it doesn’t mean you can’t stand in the kitchen and aggressively watch your family prepare food for whatever holiday dinner in which y’all partake. Just have a good excuse ready when your mom asks you why you’re staring at the mashed potatoes like they’re a holy relic.
Step 3: Exercise alone!
I know what you’re thinking: “But Elizabeth! Aren’t I supposed to exercise with a friend so they can keep me from completely overworking myself and passing out from overexertion, especially since I’m already physically weakened by this crazy crash diet?”
Well, no, not at all! They’ll only hold you back on your journey to Sexytown. I suggest working out at completely ridiculous hours in the morning. The 3:00-4:00 a.m. window is ideal for uninterrupted body refurbishment.
Step 4: Remember that there are multi-billion dollar industries dedicated to capitalizing upon your negative body image and that the media standard of beauty is both unattainable and only applies to a few Eurocentric cultures anyway!
Wait, what? Who even typed that? Whatever, just remember that true happiness is being perfectly attractive to the average North American at any given moment.
And you’ll probably never reach that level regardless of how hard you try! Well, not if you actually eat like a person during Hanukkah, Christmas, the Solstice or Kwanzaa. Remember, stay off those latkes if you wanna stay hot-ke!