HomeEntertainmentCafeteria news: Assess your fortune with CHS lunches

Cafeteria news: Assess your fortune with CHS lunches

With CHS school lunches, there is usually not much to get excited about; however, on Chinese food day, kids rush to the frenzied lunch line to wait patiently for a little folded wafer in a plastic wrapper.

While the little slips of paper inside can predict your life’s course, the fortune’s esoteric language often calls for the consultancy of an expert well-versed in the ancient art of interpreting the fortune cookie.

Here are some common fortunes—straight from the source, with grammar unchanged—that might bless or curse your school day, along with their hidden meanings, all on the house:

“One dreamed of becoming somebody. Another remained awake and became.”

Ahh, yes. I believe this is the oracle’s way of telling you that sleep is useless. Your life will turn out much better if you stay awake and party 24/7. And don’t dream of accomplishing things in life. That can only end in disappointment.

The height of a Chinese dinner is the reading of the fortune cookies, the unveiling of the future.

The height of a Chinese dinner is the reading of the fortune cookies, the unveiling of the future.

“A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.”

The moral of the story here is that you should always wear clean ties because who doesn’t want free soup? Wearing a dirty tie might attract yesterday’s soup, which was probably left out all night, and that’s just gross.

“One can never fill another’s shoes, rather he must outgrow the old shoes.”

That’s right, stop wearing dirty hand-me-downs! Go out and buy your own shoes, for your pride, not some old rat-poop-infested sneakers you found in the nether regions of your brother’s closet. He put them there for a reason.

“New people will bring you new realizations, especially big issues.”

This is a warning against meeting new people. Stay as secluded as you possibly can, since new people will cause you some serious issues.

“Only talent people get help from others.”

Oh, this is serious. If you get this fortune, you should strive to be as untalented and normal as possible because talented people get help from others, and only sissies stoop that low.

“It is very good karma to practice random acts of kindness.”

Just don’t be too random. Or too kind. Giving random strangers hugs can be considered, well…strange. Please keep it in line. It’s just a fortune cookie. Don’t take it that seriously.

Now you can get step ahead of the game with the clairvoyant intuition of the Good Choice Trading Inc.—the company that supplies CHS with fortune cookies—so you know that getting school lunch was a good choice.
-Ari Freedman

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