Published April 09, 2021
By Nitram Kicves
[Editor’s note: Our usual reviewer, Martin “The Connoisseur” Sevcik, was fired because of his degrading comments in his last review. We found a new guy for cheap a few days later, and he insisted on writing the snack reviews. Let’s hope he doesn’t disappoint.]
Hello all, my name is Nitram Kicves and I am a … specialist. A specialist in what, you may ask? Junk foods of all varieties! I would say I am even greater than The Connoisseur, that washed-up fool who used to write for this pristine establishment (no offense, of course — he’s a legend in our community). Regardless, let’s begin our analysis of what might be considered the most average snack food of all time: Pringles.
Original
Original Pringles are an American tradition. Unfortunately, not all American traditions are worth celebrating: While we like to enjoy our Coca-Cola and Independence day, we can’t truly ignore the Japanese internment camps or the Iran-Contra affair. If I were to put these on a scale of American exceptionalism, with 10 being The Marshall Plan and 1 being Project MKUltra, Original Pringles would get a
4 / 10
BBQ
As a child, I thought BBQ was an acronym of some sort. What could it possibly mean? Perhaps big bold quesadillas? Or buffalo beef quesadillas? Or maybe even burned bashful quesadillas? In retrospect, I might have made more progress if I knew more words that began with Q. Fortunately, these Pringles taste nothing like quesadillas (more on that later), with a tangy sweet flavor and that unmistakable crunch that creates a compelling snack.
8 / 10
Wavy
The crispness that defines Pringles has been replaced by unsatisfying ridges that necessitate a thicker, Ruffles-like texture. If we could refer back to the American exceptionalism scale, this design choice knocks these already-mediocre chips down a few pegs. It now sits just above the Patriot Act, but just below “The Ellen Degeneres Show.” For the non-academics out there, that translates to a
2 / 10
Wavy BBQ
I hate to beat a dead horse (no I don’t — this is my… I mean, The Sandpiper’s sixth snack review), but I want to bring that American exceptionalism scale one more time. Here, we combine the American tradition of BBQ with the traitorous Wavy Pringles. This should be a recipe for disaster, but the BBQ flavoring has this spiciness that somehow redeems the chip. It’s like finding out that your grandmother is secretly British, but then hiding that fact from the CIA because she makes the best lasagna in town. Sometimes, our principles get in the way of progress.
6 / 10
Cheddar Cheese
These taste like burnt quesadillas.
1 / 10
Pizza
When I visited New York, my friend Tyler insisted that we take the subway to Soho and visit a pizza place that he had seen on the internet. Being the gullible friend that I was, I agreed and followed him like a little duckling on an hour-and-a-half long walk. We saw some sights, smelled some smells and tasted some tastes as we roamed those streets, asking Tyler where the hell this pizza place is because I am not going to be late for our meetup at 3:30 since Cynthia is already mad at me and I don’t want to piss her off again this trip.
Anyways, the pizza was pretty good, and so were these. Maybe even a little better. Sorry, Tyler.
9 / 10
Sour Cream and Onion
These chips are unironically my favorite snack that the Sandpiper has ever reviewed. They’re kind of gross, but in a good way — like wet dogs or Mr. Palshaw. If you want to get on my good side, give me several cans of these and a classic iPod (the 2007 model) loaded up with only the song “Gangnam Style.” Much like Psy’s crisp dance moves, these crisps will have me salivating for more.
Of course, it’s just a coincidence that these are also The Connoisseur’s favorite snack. There is absolutely no evidence that I am affiliated with that handsome reviewer. And if you even try and show me evidence of this connection, I’m going to throw a temper tantrum, and nobody wants to see that. So keep your mouth shut and let the professionals talk, OK? OK.
10 / 10
[Editor’s note: He’s eccentric, but so was the last guy. Might as well keep him around. I hope he isn’t hiding any terrible secrets.]
