Ant Rant


As I sit in my third period AP Government class, I should be focused on understanding the complexities and nuances of our country’s political landscape, but instead, paralyzed by both fear and awe, I watch prostrate as a Jackson Pollock painting composed of ants forms on the wall next to me. Every morning, I helplessly observe as an army of ants haphazardly wreaks havoc, causing chaos to the same degree as the Mongol invasions.

The nanosized demons have taken over. Chromebooks infested. Lockers devastated. In the girls’ bathroom, the trash cans purely function as a portal from which ants are spawned and emerge.

If I didn’t know better, I would think Pixar is using CHS as the set for “A Bug’s Life.” It’s gotten to the point where I can’t differentiate between our school’s luxurious classroom carpeting and the ceaselessly shifting black shadow of vengeful insects that coats every single surface imaginable.

Since the tried and true tactic of using good ol’ Raid is apparently not a viable option on campus, I have a couple of proposals:

I suggest that the best way to end the arthropods’ reign of terror is to attack from the inside. If we train a select few of the more loyal ants, we can create a covert operations squad (led by Ulysses S. Ant) that could acquire crucial information regarding the dark ants’ next attack and destroy their corrupt ant government.

For our next plan of attack, in the words of Donald Trump, “It’s time we think about border security.” At this point there are so many ants that it’s only logical to assume that only so many of them are local. With CHS’ incredible scenery, cafeteria delicacies and spirited environment, it’s no surprise that so many ants are migrating here for better opportunities. We can strengthen our borders by lining our campus with a combination of mint and lemon juice to dissuade the pests from entering, and follow that with a hefty line of cinnamon powder to silently execute any bullheaded survivors.

Instead of employing mass genocide to exterminate all current ants squatting in CUSD territory, we can utilize the trained ants to lead the black mass to other schools. The local ant economies of Stevenson, Pacific Grove and York could all benefit from the economic stimulation the immigration would bring, thus alleviating the burden from our school while helping our neighbors.

The time is now! We need to act fast! In the community-oriented spirit of CHS, it’s time to give the gift that keeps on giving: Ants!

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