Published Jan. 15, 2021
By Martin Sevcik
I have a special place in my heart for the entire family of Kool-Aid products. Perhaps the most under-appreciated among these products are the Kool-Aid Jammers, a line of Caprisun-styled drink pouches that have crawled their way onto store shelves. Let’s find out if they’re worth a purchase, or if they deserve an early death at the hands of entropy instead.
Kool-Aid Retro Jammers: Purplesaurus Rex
There is perhaps no greater ingredient for beverages than the humble grape. That means Purplesaurus Rex is in direct competition with some of the world’s finest beverages; I must decide whether its taste is richer than wine, more dopamine-inducing than Grape Fanta and more overwhelmingly delicious than Children’s Robitussin Cough and Cold for Ages 4 and Up. Tough competition.
Despite these odds, I think it stacks up pretty well. Its flavor profile, while somewhat oppressive, is not particularly sweet or tangy, allowing it to flow pleasantly around your palate without much concern. But in this mundanity lies its greatest weakness: It lacks a profound grape flavor, stopping it from truly excelling. While this isn’t bad, I would still recommend Delysm 12-Hour Cough Relief over Purplesaurus Rex anyday.
Kool-Aid Jammers: Blue Raspberry
Sometimes I dream about our ancestors. Just a few millennia ago, we had to forage for our own food, craft our own shelter and perhaps even kill to secure our place in the world. Sometimes I imagine a return to a world dominated by these raw instincts. Sometimes I wish we could return to a kill-or-be-killed society, if only to satisfy these cravings festering within me. I imagine I would be happier in that world, away from the struggles of the modern world. Away from the expectations that burden me so heavily.
But then I wouldn’t be able to enjoy Blue Raspberry Jammers. And when I realize this, those desires are quenched, if only for another day.
Kool-Aid Jammers: Cherry
After consulting with my peers for the Purplesaurus Rex review, it has come to my attention that some youth are using cough syrup as a recreational drug, and that it would be ill-advised to continue describing the substance in such positive terms. As such, I have a healthier alternative that I would like to offer the youth: Cherry Kool-Aid Jammers.
These jammers taste like cherry cough syrup mixed with a pinch of sugar. They aren’t all that tasty, but at least they’re safer than those vile substances running rampant in some communities. I suggest we have our local police officers trained in Kool-Aid based intervention tactics so we can stop children from ingesting such dangerous chemicals. Give them Red 40, not promethazine!
Kool-Aid Sour Jammers: Shockin’ Blue Raspberry
I witnessed death for the first time when I walked through the backdoor of an Applebee’s on a Friday night out with friends. We knew a bus boy who took us out back when he went for a smoke break. As he opened the backdoor, his face dropped. We saw the woman in rags convulsing on the ground. Someone called an ambulance. It was too late.
We disbanded early that night, ruminating on our own mortalities as we made our ways home. There was a sour taste in my mouth on the bus ride, the taste of death incarnate feeling its way down my throat until my insides are as cold as the bitter wind that carried that woman’s soul away forever.
I thought I would forget that sensation forever, but this Kool-Aid flavor brings me right back.
Kool-Aid Sour Jammers: Watermelon Slam
One day I’ll be famous. And, just like any famous person, I need a catchphrase. Hulk has “Hulk smash,” Sheldon has “Bazinga” and Mao Zedong has “All political power comes from the barrel of a gun. The communist party must command all the guns, that way, no guns can ever be used to command the party.” I need something as iconic as any of those.
After some consideration — several scientific studies, dozens of consultations with elite linguists and hundreds of surveys — I’ve decided that my catchphrase is going to be “Kool-Aid Sour Jammers: Watermelon Slam are kinda bad.” When I make it big and I get to say my new catchphrase on live TV, you’ll know where it came from. I’ll know you guys are the real fans.
Kool-Aid Jammers: Strawberry Kiwi
This drink is in a precarious position. This was the drink I sipped as I submitted several of my college applications, so my emotions are closely tied to the success of these applications. I initially rather liked this one, as it boasts a complex flavor profile only slightly marred by a subtly gross aftertaste.
But as I see my friends get accepted and begin to find their place in the world, I continue to anxiously wait. If you had asked me what I thought of this beverage a month ago, I may have given it a 8. But now, a sense of dread trickles into my soul as I gaze upon this plastic pouch. I silently beg the Kool-Aid man to grant me mercy. “Help me achieve my dreams,” I beg. He stares back, silent as the depths of the ocean and his eyes empty as the twilight sky.
I suspect he won’t be so gracious.