HomeEntertainmentJordi’s Guide to Fringe Political Ideologies

Jordi’s Guide to Fringe Political Ideologies

By JORDI FAXON

Published May 22, 2020

They say quarantine is the best time to try some new political ideologies. Why not put the saying to the test? Here’s my curation of wacky political ideologies you might want to try on for size. Fun for the whole family!

The author muses potential political ideologies, as authors do.

Anarcho-capitalism

Philosophical Progenitor → Murray Rothbard

The essence of this political ideology is that it’s the most unrestrained market conceivable. There is no government at all in this system, and people are to maintain their safety through NAPs, or non-aggression principles, which are, of course, voluntary.

Things you’ll need:

  • bullet-proof vest
  • guns
  • money

Anarcho-communism

Philosophical Progenitor → Peter Kropotkin

First, money shouldn’t exist. Then, there should be no centralized government. The interesting thing about the anarcho-communist ideal is that it is played out consistently in tribes: People take what they need from the pool of goods, they cooperate as a society, and they aren’t saturated with materialistic greed. It’s kind of a shame the most public voice of anarcho-communism today is Antifa.

Things you’ll need:

  • a red and black bandana, or several for your comrades
  • one of those black sweatshirts with the little strings that come out of the hoodie part
  • Molotov cocktails

Anarcho-primitivism

Philosophical Progenitor → John Zerzan

So this started with a criticism of Karl Marx’s claims (for those who’ve yet to learn, Marx was the father of communism). Marx said that the fundamental misstep of humanity was the Industrial Revolution. Anarcho-primitivists draw it back further, to the first instance of agriculture, once the contortion of the Earth became institutionalized and civilization grew from there. Anarcho-primitivists are essentially nostalgic for the hunter-gatherer days.

Things you’ll need:

  • clubs
  • a protruding forehead

Anarcho-royalism

Philosophical Progenitor → I saw this on Reddit

OK, so we start with a monarchy, right? Like, absolute monarchy. But then, after the monarch dies, we don’t just hand the throne to the monarch’s progeny. No! Instead, there’s a civil war—yes, every time a monarch dies—where any individual who wants to ascend to power will throw together an army and wage war for the throne, and foreign nations can bestow their support of any army through donations or troops. That way, there is a built-in meritocracy because you know the leader that rises will have incomparable military and diplomatic prowess. I mean, it’s basically bullet-proof.

Things you’ll need:

  • a crown
  • “rabble-rousery”

National Bolshevism

Philosophical Progenitor → Otto Strasser

This is an authoritarian political ideology that’s extremely left economically, but extremely right socially. It’s basically combining the worst of communism with the worst of fascism. This is one example for why the political compass is limited and needs to be expanded to the political cube. 

Things you’ll need:

  • Remember when there was, like, God and community?

Esoteric Fascism

Philosophical Progenitor → Niccolò Giani

This is fascism with the extra impulse and weight of spirituality. Practitioners believe that the pure race that fascism professes reaches deeper than mere biology, but that there’s a more spiritual level of purity to attain. I mean, I don’t know. I probably shouldn’t be writing this.

Things you’ll need:

  • black cloaks
  • Guys, please don’t do this one.

Trotskyism

Philosophical Progenitor → Leon Trotsky

Trotskyism is communism with global aspirations: The revolution isn’t finished until every country has had a bolshevik revolution. There are many overlapping public works committees, but also the elimination of the bureaucracy, and also a focus on democracy. You really can be everything, huh? 

Things you’ll need:

  • una casa en México
  • an unnerving resemblance to Colonel Sanders of KFC

Ecofascism

Philosophical Progenitor → Michael E. Zimmerman

So the idea here is that you use the immense power of the state to force individuals to sacrifice their individuality in order to serve the environment. I guess the irony here is that environmentalism has, for as long as I’ve known, been a left-wing position.

Things you’ll need:

  • paper straws

Radical Apoliticism

Philosophical Progenitor → You see, there was no thought to begin with.

These individuals are radical because they want to use violent revolution against their enemy. What’s their enemy? Political belief. So you might be tempted to say that they’re anarchists, but you’d be wrong. While anarchism issues no government, there is still a political climate. I guess it doesn’t matter what form of governance is in place. They just don’t want people talking about politics…. Sorry!

Things you’ll need:

  • teeth to bare
  • hands to hold
  • hearts to tear
  • bread to mold

Latest comment

  • Very thought-provoking observations from a a bright young muse.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.