By KYLIE YEATMAN
In times of global crisis and unrest, it can be difficult to turn the spotlight back on yourself when all anyone can talk about is staying indoors and avoiding each other. But even in times of universal calamity, experienced narcissists may use this guide to turn any conservation in the group chat about the pandemic into one about yourself using one of these five options!
1. Remind everyone about that time you stayed inside for a few days with the flu
Sure, it definitely does suck that your one friend can’t go see her dying great-grandma out of fear of infecting her with the virus, but it also sucks that you had to cancel your trip to Cancun in 2014 because of the common cold. Bringing up this life-altering event will certainly get your friends talking about you, and perhaps even garner you a few pity “love” reactions on iMessage.
2. Send a voice memo of yourself coughing and ask if it sounds like dry cough
One of the most beguiling symptoms of COVID-19 is a dry cough, which can often be indistinguishable from a normal cough and require medical consultation. By sending your friends an alarming video of you coughing, followed by the simple inquisition “thoughts?” you will immediately be the center of attention and may even get a few recommendations for doctors that are still open. Score!
3. Post a blank photo on Instagram with the caption “Leaving for a little while”
While this ominous warning works wonders in terms of attention-seeking in just about any situation, it is especially foreboding to make a post like this when your friends aren’t able to visit you in person to check up on you. Watch the direct messages role in as you sit back and get some of that sweet, notification-fueled dopamine.
4. Start an Instagram live
Your friends could be spending time with their families if they really wanted to, but what would really be a more productive use of the afternoon is if you started an Instagram live. Regale an assortment of current friends, middle school friends, and unknown Internet randoms with stories about your childhood, and maybe even give them a little room tour–this is what the people need to see when there’s a deadly disease romping about the town!
5. Send a mass email letting your colleagues know that you’re fine
Not only is this a clever way to flex your superior immune system to your coworkers, but they will also take comfort in knowing that you’re always there for them. They’ll be talking about this kind message of yours for days!