The holiday season brings fake cheer, overplayed songs and absurd drinks

Dear gingerbread-latte-drinkers and Nov. 24 decorators,

Your beloved Dec. 24 is just as average as Dec. 21 and Jan. 4. Your year-long display of Christmas lights cannot dim the sorrow that is your sad life—you’re fooling no one.

Yours truly,

The Grinch

P.S. There’s so much more.

Every year, lots accumulate thousands of now-dead trees across the country. We groom trees like we groom animals, raising them for the sole purpose of human benefit as to one day kill them. That’s what we humans call the “Christmas spirit.”

Once you have effectively stolen a tree of its existence, the family fun may begin. We decorate the corpses as if to mask the crime scene taking place in our own homes. How ironic that such death is presented and decorated in our living rooms.

If not for lazy humans, we may not have been left with such a grave disaster on our hands, but alas, laziness and ignorance persist. Christmas lights frame homes and trees as if the light masks the dark, grim corporate hell-hole that is the holiday season. December passes. January passes. March, April, May, June. Your lights have been up for a damned decade. Reaching the halfway mark, they are left up for the next year…and the next

Electricity is poured into insignificant bulbs lying in a single file line atop the roof. Rockefeller Center and even downtown Carmel light their trees behind naive smiles and hot cocoa-warmed fingertips.

While effectively burning our retinas watching a man flip a switch to illuminate a decorated, dead tree, the music drowns our ears with every different rendition of “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.”

Yes, “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” on this very “White Christmas” as “The Little Drummer Boy” watches “The Last Christmas” on a “Silent Night” as we all spend the wee hours of the evening “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree.” And I tell ya Jack Frost is nipping at somethin’ alright.

Humans are masking their sorrow with nutmeg and candy canes. It’s time to own up to the fact that Dec. 24 doesn’t make your problems disappear. Throw on a Santa hat and do some damn work to make your life less pitiful.