By: ALEX POLETTI
Ah, to be in fall once again. Of course, with autumn comes the capitalistic impulses of American corporations attempting to bastardize days of worship for their own economic gain while simultaneously manipulating an entire generation’s October calendar. That’s right, folks: It’s time for Halloween.
However, enthusiasm wanes for this holiday due to myriad stressful sources, whether it be college apps, AP World History homework or that stupid mosquito in your room that always flies into your ear right as you are about to fall asleep.
As teenagers, though, we are duty-bound to attend Halloween soirees in wittily thought-out outfits, and it gets a little dull to go as a sexy kitty every year. So without further ado, I bequeath unto thee Carmel High School costume ideas for the not-so-inspired.
Costume One: Mike Palshaw as Wolverine
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it! The English teacher’s X-men costume was the toast of the town last year, and there is no reason not to pay homage to it as the new season rolls around. Palshaw spent months grooming his beard and hitting the gym for the role, and many fellas on campus feebly try to do the same—you know who you are. You’re basically halfway there! Add some tin foil claws and you’ll be the talk of whatever Cachagua property at which you tamely spend your evening.
Costume Two: Vineyard Vines worker
This costume is particularly easy because all you have to do is raid your closet. With those signature polos, cuffed khakis and boat shoes, you could pass as someone trying to sell overpriced t-shirts to D-4 lacrosse commits. And if you don’t have the clothing yourself, West Whittaker’s door is usually unlocked.
Costume Three: Anxious teen filled with existential dread
Sometimes, the best mask to wear is your own. You already have the elements of the outfit lying around, so this won’t cost you a dime! Just show up to your fete as yourself, bundle up in a corner and cry. Props for the clever costumes, you will receive. The whole night long, there will be shouts of “So me!” and “That’s such a realistic outfit!” and “Should we call someone? That person seems to be in serious pain rooted in underlying trauma.”
Costume Four: Second-semester senior
Just don’t show up.