Mint chocolate chip or bubblegum ice cream?

As the school year comes to an end, thoughts begin to wander, imagining how nice life will be when time turns to summer. Amid these thoughts of Netflix, laziness and the beach comes ice cream, for one major correlation with summer is clearly ice cream.

While fantasizing about summer vacation, I was struck by the profound realization that we are nothing more than our choice of ice cream. Some people may argue that you can see a person in their choice of a dog breed; well, I am prepared to assert that even more revealing is a person’s choice of ice cream flavor. The defense of this argument is as follows.

Hipsters, always in need of something new, turn to vegan ice cream, the latest ice cream trend, for ice cream made with milk is simply too old to be cool.

Cool in their own way, hippies follow the Grateful Dead, but when home they enjoy Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia to reminisce on their time of admiring Jerry Garcia, the famous songwriter starting during the 1960s.

On the other extreme, jocks walk into that ice cream shop acting all cool and tough and ready to buy some ice cream. Then they see a pretty girl nearby and decide to order mint chip to freshen their breath before they make a move because that’s all they’re really thinking about.

Not thinking about girls are the nerds; constantly studying and not even wanting to take an ice cream break until their mom forces them to get up and go outside, they make use of their time to decide to buy coffee ice cream with an actual cup of coffee on the side. They do the calculations, figuring 146 mg of caffeine will be entering their system, for one cup of coffee consists of 98 mg of caffeine, while one cup of coffee ice cream only contains 48 mg, according to the Caffeine Informer.

Then the health freaks run by, not able to purchase actual ice cream because there’s so much dairy and sugar so why not just get sorbet? At first this sounds healthy, sure, but then they realized they just consumed water, sugar and fruit juice flavoring. Out of options, they turn to acai bowls.

Ignoring health are the young souls who preferred their life as a child and wish to ditch all those Advance Placement courses and go back to climbing trees and eating bubblegum ice cream. (Which is a serious choking hazard—how do you know what to swallow and what not to?)

In speaking of hazards, breakups mean lots of chocolate ice cream. Chocolate is commonly known to increase serotonin, therefore decreasing dramatic mood swings. Despite this natural remedy, I warn you, stay away if you see a girl eating chocolate ice cream; it’s safe to assume they are unstable for the time being.

All these reasonings are completely made up, but I truly hope this will help during summer to distinguish a jock from a nerd or a hippy from a hipster…. Good luck!

-Asha Johnston