Ladies and gentlemen, it’s that time of year again when you see dozens of flowers and sugary red heart lollipops everywhere you look. Some of you go-getters out there might be prepping the perfect assortment of sweets and made-in-China stuffed animals for your Valentine, and that’s great and all…but it’s also important to address the poor people out there who have to accept these gifts without a clue as to what they really mean for their relationship.
Let’s start decoding what these gifts mean by beginning with the bare minimum. Your crush got you a present of a lovely, cute, big, fat…nothing. In this case, I offer up to you my highest condolences. Valentine’s is, after all, the most important day of the whole entire year, and it’s frankly a bad omen for your entire future if you don’t end up with anything.
Moving up the ladder, you know you’re going places with this person if they present you with some form of lollipop or fuzzy toy. I mean, sugar goes in wedding cakes and fuzz goes on wedding dresses, sort of. The parallels between those items and marital vows are significant. Are you hearing church bells yet?
Next, we have the elegant bouquet of roses. It’s important to note that if the roses are any color besides red, this is a horrid sign. I suppose pink is all right—but only if you’re in the first crush stage. If you can help it, don’t accept anything less than red roses because if you do so there’s a chance that your relationship is already over. Truly. And do not accept yellow roses under any circumstances! Yellow signals that you are in the friend zone, my friend.
An even better gift to receive is the cherished box of chocolates. Beware, though: the chocolates could be a sign that your relationship is on track towards the average two weeks of high school bliss that most teenage relationships last, but they could also be a sign that your beau is hiding an ulterior motive. Those chocolates could be part of your clingy and insecure partner’s plot to plump you up in an effort to steer away any other potential suitors.
Finally, if you get anything to do with diamonds…put on your running shoes, guys and gals, ‘cause your Valentine is a jewel thief. You want to get out of there as fast as possible before the police show up. No teenager drops a couple grand on jewelry for their teeny bopper high school girlfriend or boyfriend. Gosh.
In all seriousness, kids, let’s not get too wrapped up in the gift-giving side of Valentine’s Day. There’s no price tag on love, Padres.