2016 has been a fun. Honestly, it has been a heck of a year. Since it is December and the year is winding down, let’s take a walk down memory lane and explore some of the great times we experienced this year. Okay, let’s be brutally honest: this year sucked worse than an airplane toilet.
I think I died on Jan. 1 and this has all been one big fever dream as the lights are going out forever. Maybe this is hell and I’m doomed to be stuck in 2016. You know what? That’s probably more likely. I must have leaned back in my recliner too far and smashed my head open at midnight while watching “Jessica Jones,” or maybe my car exploded when I went to go get milk with my mom that morning.
Yeah…that’s it. I am dead and you might be too, and here’s why:
Let’s get this out of the way first and talk about the ridiculous state of American politics. We had some great candidates from all sides, like Marco Rubio, Bernie Sanders and whoever the hell those third party guys were—it doesn’t matter now. But let’s consider the two candidates who did get nominated: absolutely terrible. We as Americans were robbed of a fair election; we were given the choice to vote either vote for an actual lizard person in a human costume pretending to be a person or a melted Mr. Potato-Head on which someone put a blond wig and then yelled racial slurs. Anyone but those two could be a better president. Even me!
Donald Trump being president is almost as ridiculous as the Cubs winning the World Series—Oh, wait. They did.
This year is a complete joke, so there’s no reason why sports can be the same way. First off, the Cubs won the World Series. Why? Who let that happen? I mean, I thought they were a joke that Chicago let get too out of hand, and now it’s just taken on a life of its own. But they won! THE JOKE WON! We also had this whole deflate-gate debacle that flooded the media for at least a solid two months. That’s more reporting than was done on the oil pipeline being built on sacred Native American land, and that’s actually interesting. Who gives a crap about some overpaid athlete that cheated at a game? Can we actually do some real reporting, news media?
Something the media did cover some was the death of some of the greatest musicians and actors of our time. David Bowie, bless his soul, died at 69 years old. He left behind a long legacy of great music. This beautiful and weird man had so much more music to make and could have brought some creativity back to the pop genre. Sadly, Prince also passed away. These two influential artists could have done some great things for music. I think we can all agree that Gene Wilder’s death was a blow not only to Hollywood but to the world at large; he will be missed. We lost some of the world’s greatest creative powerhouses this year. It’s screwed up that they weren’t even old. It feels like a cruel joke that no one is laughing at.
Because of the deaths, music this year has really dropped in quality. I hate most modern pop music. It’s booty booty this, werk that, drugs drugs drugs—it’s stupid. What’s worse is the dances that come prepackaged with these inane songs. You look dumb. Stop. Just stop whatever that is, please. The whip, the dab, hit the quan or whatever are all as dumb as dirt and you look like you’re having a muscle aneurysm. Just stop. Why are these things things?! They’re obnoxious and just plain uncreative. There’s even a song that combines all the dances invented during the year. Hopefully, the music industry can remove its cranium from its rear end and come up with something new, enjoyable and creative next year.
Hell is real, people, and we are living in it. But I suppose in the end it doesn’t really matter. The world will spin and life will move on. Here’s to another lousy new year!
-Archer Michaels
